Today, had everything gone the way I had hoped and prayed, I would be 8 months pregnant with baby #6. Preparing our house for our June 7th bundle of joy.
But, we lost our little one at the end of October, and so….no preparing. Just mending.
I have never struggled with contentment until we lost our last precious baby. I couldn’t understand when people talked about having trouble finding contentment because it was just never anything that settled uneasy on my heart. Even through all of our losses from when we were first trying to have a baby to our loss last year in February, I just didn’t feel a discontent towards life, towards what we had or didn’t have.
But, it has become an issue with me. Not with material things or financial things or even physical things. No, if you know me, you know that those mean literally nothing to me. Give me Shop-Ko and a day with no make-up and I am giddy. Rather, I have battled with being content with my little family of 3. And wrestling with the idea that after our little Ethiopian baby comes home, that we might just stay a family of 4.
And coming from a girl who wanted 12 kids, this is a blow to the mommy ego.
How will we form our own soccer team? How am I going to show the world how awesome I am at teaching my kids choreography to their fave Disney movies? How am I going to justify the amount of bedrooms we have that we thought would fill up quickly with children but now sit empty collecting dust bunnies and random extra blankets? How am I going to ever get my hands on the mini-van I have always wanted? (you think I’m crazy, I know. But, I literally view a mini-van as a badge of honor) Who in the world is going to wear the rest of the Wizard of Oz costumes I was going to force my children to wear on Halloween year after year?
How am I going to come to terms with the fact that what I dreamt about my entire life will never come to fruition?
Could I truly find joy in the Lord AND accept a life that wasn’t to the standard that I expected since I was young?
Yes. And No. And Yes. And No.
I mean, yes, absolutely. But, sometimes, I’m all NO, let me watch 19 Kids & Counting and pout about it. But, then, I’m like…fine. Yes. But, other times, I’m like pass me a cookie, NO.
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER WOMAN! (Grabs self and shakes shoulders while trying not to choke on the Cadbury Mini Eggs currently in mouth)
In order for me to be the best women. The best wife. The best mom. The best friend. I have GOT to find my joy, my security, my strength and my hope in God.
Even if life doesn’t go the way I wanted it to go.
How am I able to truly live a grateful, generous and FULL life if I keep looking back at what I wished could have been but never was? How can I teach Emara to seek joy and live in thankfulness if I can’t live it myself? How do I expect God to calm my anxiety about the future of our family if I don’t trust Him with it from the start.
I have to get this right. For the sanity of my mind. For the condition of my heart. For my family. For my waistline.
But, I gotta tell you. It’s hard sometimes. I have much to be grateful for. I’m sure some of you are thinking that I am a selfish brat for being sad that I won’t have a large family when I should just be thankful that I even have one child. I mean, I agree with you! Holy crap, I am literally in the presence of a two year old miracle on a daily basis. And beyond her, I have a husband who gets wiser, stronger, funnier and awesomer with age. Our little one in Ethiopia WILL come home to us sooner than later. I couldn’t even think to ask for better family and friends.
I know. I am being selfish about it. I’m not saying that I am right. Or that I even want to stay in this stage for longer than a minute.
I am just calling it what it is. And right now, it is an intentional effort to find contentment on a consistent basis.
I really truly thought that I would have a large brood of children running around my house…throwing snot wads at eachother while I try to teach them the importance of handwashing over a megaphone. There was just something inside of me that really believed that I would be popping babies out for the majority of my 20’s/early 30’s.
And that won’t happen. And on some level, I may always feel sadness about that.
But, what I will not allow is to let this overshadow the goodness of God and what He has done in my life. The beauty I see in Scott snuggling his little girl first thing in the morning. The happiness I find in playing our nightly blanket monster game. The gratefulness I feel when I look back on Emara’s birth story.
So, NO, Mr. Discontentment, you may not stop in and stay awhile. You had your moment, and now I am done with you.
Be gone, you little wienie.
And take the cookies with you. And the Cadbury Mini Eggs… And the Scotcharoo’s…
Maybe keep the mini eggs with me …
Nope, no. Take the eggs.
And peace the heck out.