Some days, it is very easy for me to picture my family. I see a large brood of children.…various ages, genders, ethnicities. I can see Scott walking hand in hand with a few of our kiddos into a grocery store to pick up some milk…I can picture Christmas morning and hear the screeches of Emara and her siblings as they come tearing down the stairs….I can see Scott and myself on the floor being wrestled to the ground by a constant flow of belly laughing children waiting to be next in line to jump on daddy’s back and tickle mommy’s tummy.
Lately though, I have practically stopped daydreaming about my future family. Some days, it is even hard to grasp the pictures I used to lovingly flip through in my mental scrapbook.
But, over the weekend, through the encouragement of some incredible friends and through some time spent just sitting and thinking, I feel like God spoke something to my heart.
“You only see money. I only see my child.”
We are at the point in our adoption where money is not only in the front lines, but encompassing everything we do. Everything we touch at this point requires payment. Everything we discuss around our adoption requires a pricetag. We spend our free time prepping for yet another fundraiser…another way to cut our budget so we can slip a little more into our fund.
“You see money. I see my child.”
In all of my preparation, I have stopped picturing Emara’s next sibling, my next son…daughter… I have focused my energy, my prayers, my conversation on the resources it will take to bring them home.
Valid? Yes. Necessity? Absolutely.
BUT. NOT. THE. POINT.
I have spent too much of my time worrying about what my friends are really thinking…what people on facebook think when they see yet another post about our race…
Time that should be spent daydreaming about our next baby…praying for their birthparents…for their health…the orphanage…their caretakers… their development… Time spent enjoying this process, because it is our pregnancy stage…
This baby deserves to be celebrated. This baby deserves a loving home. A safe home. Our home.
So, yes, we will continue to offer people the opportunity to help us bring our baby home. Unapologetically. But, money is the tool. Just a tool.
Starting today, I am going to go back to my daydreams.